I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
