It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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