so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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