why do cheetos always look like penises
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
