last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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