How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
