I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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