I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
