two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
