Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
