We won't sleep together?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
