nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
