I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
