New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
