and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
