Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
