"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
