4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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