I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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