Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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