Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
