he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
