Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
