Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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