You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
