none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
