left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
