My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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