So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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