So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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