my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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