I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I want her autograph on my taint
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
