dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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