I think I won the penis lottery.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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