I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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