i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
