Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
