If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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