I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
