I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
