Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
