how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
