after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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