Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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