Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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