stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
