I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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