ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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