Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We're too hungover to prance.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
