Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
