her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
