I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
