i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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